The recent scientific "bombshell" that Neanderthal Man may have been doomed by global warming from Ice Age conditions seemed to fit completely with the "doom and gloom" of Al Gorice,, revealed in the Ice Age Times, as he fought to save the Ice Age way of life. Global warming was actually good for homo sapiens, and made our present civilization possible. However, there is this evidence that warming meant doom for Neanderthal Man, as they proved unable to adapt to warming. In other words, it would have made perfect sense for Al Gorice to lament the passing of the Ice Age way of life, as a Neanderthal Man, even though it seemed a little strange for a member of homo sapiens to lament the warming that would enable homo sapiens to dominate the world. There is also that implication that Al Gore is the modern descendant of Al Gorice, although there is editorial suspicion on the part of the editors of this blog that the archaeological team has no direct translation of "Al Gorice's" name, but is attempting to be cute (while otherwise maintaining strict scientific standards). There is that scientific theory that Neanderthal Man really did not disappear, but instead is part of modern man's genes because of interbreeding. It is certainly tempting to regard Al Gore as a descendant of Neanderthal Man, but we can't let our prejudices influence our scientific accuracy, lest we become no better than Al Gore ourselves.
Problem: The elite archaeological team excavating the subject site originally believed that it was a homo sapiens site, although there were no skeletal remains (fossils) so indicating. That caused the suspension of information. The archaeological team is now more uncertain whether this is really an Ice Age homo sapiens site, or one of the last bastions of Neanderthal Man succumbing to global warming. Nevertheless, the team has resumed releases of information, with the caveat that there are substantial scientific uncertainties about what, or is it "who"?, Al Gorice really was. With that introductioin, in the interest of scientific accuracy, here is the latest excerpt from the Ice Age Times translated by the archaeological team (dateline unknown):
"Al Gorice held a conference yesterday in his large cave on the crisis of global warming. As usual, the Ice "Age Times has exclusive information from that conference, although our sources must remain anonymous for reasons of political agenda and protection of both the source and this newspaper from adequate scrutiny. (Editor's note: The first newspaper was obviously more honest than modern "journalists".)
Al Gorice has faced criticism because of the size of the caves he owns, and the massive fires in those caves--even as he asserts fire is killing our way of life, and ourselves, by warming and smoke pollution. Harry "Dirty Ice" Reidice, for example, has called fire a "dirty thing", and wood something better left on the ground. Gorice addressed this criticism by telling conference participants that he has traded for massive credits more than covering his personal use of fire, and that it is necessary to his work saving the Ice Age way of life that he use fire judiciously to help him get out his message in the most effective way possible.
Gorice went on to lament the ever increasing use of fire by increasing numbers of people (translator's note: "beings"?)--especially by the upstart "hairless" people (Editor's note: A reference to homo sapiens?--the anachronisms and inconsistencies here are disturbing to the scientific mind trying to make sense of this; it is almost like reading a speech by the modern Al Gore). Gorice was so pessimistic that he seemed to doubt whether doom could be avoided, even if the use of fire were now severely limited. Our anonymous informant did have some difficulty in hearing everything that was said because of the crackling of nearby fires in the large cave. But the Ice Age Times is confident in the facts presented in this story.
Gorice went on to make a bold prediction. He predicted that the Ice Age way of life would return, even if the failure to promptly heed his warnings on fire doomed the present pristine Ice Age civilization. He did choke a little at this point because of excess smoke in the cave. Members of his entourage quickly adjusted the fires in the cave so that the smoke was vented into another area (where, unfortunately, a crowd of people suffered smoke inhalation). John McIce spoke up at this point to lyrically praise the "pristine" (his word) ice and snow unprofaned by smoke or humanity. Gorice thanked McIce, in a generous gesture to the man who had been humiliated in the recent election. No one, of course, pays much attention to McIce these days, and his constant references to "pristine" landscapes of ice and snow have grown somewhat old, even if every right thinking person knows that McIce's heart is in the right place, even if that nasty Sarah Paleice and her fire loving allies had not caused McIce to lose the last election.
Gorice, however, was soon past the interruption, and on to his predictions of a new Ice Age civilization to rise from the ashes of the civilization destroyed by the promiscuous use of fire and carbon burning. The audience was somber, as befitted the depressing message of doom and gloom. The Ice Age Times has investigated the nasty rumor that most of the audience fell asleep, bored to tears. That rumor is false, and the Ice Age Times has verified it as being spread by right wingers (translation?) trying to discredit Gorice--the same people complaining about his personal lifestyle.
Everyone agrees that the conference was another triumph for Gorice, and that the Ice Age world would be a much better place if Gorice were in charge. As objective "journalists", we at the Ice Age Times can only be proud that Al Gorice is spreading truth throughout the Ice Age world." (Editor's note: Okay. "Journalism" has not changed that much since the Ice Age Times.)
The above concludes the most recent exclusive excerpt from the Ice Age Times, as translated by the archeological team conducting the excavation. More excerpts will be presented as they are translated and disclosed.
Again, it must be noted how right Al Gorice has been proved to be, in hindsight. The Ice Age (whatever Ice Age) way of life did disappear as the Earth warmed, except maybe in places like Greenland and the Arctic Circle. Those pristine landscapes of ice and snow became limited to places like ANWR. Al Gorice even appears to be right about the return of the Ice Age way of life. Yep. We had snow in Las Vegas, Houston, and New Orleans. It is expected to be about 17 degrees when the ball drops tonight in Times Square. Some scientists say the sun is showing signs of conditions that are associated with previous cooling. Now there is no confirmation that Al Gorice was right about fire causing the disappearance of the Ice Age way of life. But everyone has to admit that Gorice was dead on about the Earth warming, and this most recently discovered excerpt may indicate he was also dead on as to the Ice Age eventually returning. Of course, that is not yet certain, but given Gorice's track record in predicting, we should not be surprised if this latest discovered prediction also proves to be accurate.
P.S.: The reference, in the comment to the previous entry, to leftists--especially leftist politicians--making sure that they have a big fire in their own cave (while the masses freeze, or can't afford to heat their homes) appears to be a reference to Al Gorice. Yes, it may scare you, but Al Gorice's fame, and message, seems to be spreading to modern times, all the way from the Ice Age.
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