You have heard by now that the United States Government/State Department has issued a warning to tourists travelling anywhere in Europe to be "vigilant" and careful, because there is a significant risk of a terrorist attack. Tourists have also been warned that "infrastructure", including subways, trains and airlines, are especially at risk. Some tourist spots, like Notre Dame (kin Paris) have been named as possible targets. But he U.S. Government is taking no chances, and has warned tourists to look out for their own safety in all of Europe. President Obama has said that The U.S. Government will do whatever is necessary to protect Americans. Okay. What does all of this mean? Well, this author has obtained exclusive access to plans to help tourists meet the threat, from classified sources (Bob Woodward, eat lyour heart out!!!!):

1. Tourists are not going to be allowed to travel to Europe--war zone that we expect it to be--without a six week BASIC TRAINING course. The author went through basic training in the United States Army in 1968 designed to prepare us to deal with the terrorist Viet Cong, and every tourist obviously needs this kind of training. Now, unlike Richard Blumenthal in Connecticut, the author has never claimed to have actually served in Vietnam, but the author received the same basic training as those who did (including, of course, many who died there). The author's younger daughter is scheduled to go to Spain in late October, and the author is glad she will have to undergo basic training first. In fact, the author wishes she could have the same experience the author did--having basic training in Ft. Bliss, Teas (El Paso, whete the author still lives) in a summer where it reached 100 degrees 23 consecutive days (talk about "global warming")--maybe still a record, especially for August-September.

2. Tourists will then travel to Europe in escorted, World War II type convoys. Airplanes are obviously too risky, per the alert. Zig-zagging may be employed to avoid al-Qaida pirate attacks.

3. Tourists will embark at special, secure beaches, which United States Marines will have secured, after amphibious landings. Tourists will then be transported by military helicopter to secure landing zones (LZs) near their intended destinations.

4. Each tourist will be armed with the assault weapon of his choice: Uzi, AK,-47, M-16, etc. This is another reason not to travel by air, as tourists would never get through the security. Tourists will be provided with modern body armor, and travel by military convoy from each LZ--primarily by APC (Armored Personnel Carrier).

5. When visiting a place like Notre Dame, or the Eiffel Tower, tourists will first make sure they set up a secure perimeter. Since Notre Dame has those massive cement columns, and numerous alcoves, every tourist group will first send in an advance assault team, with bomb sniffing dogs, to make sure the interior is clear before the main body of tourists eneter. Each tourist group will have at least one tourist trained in bomb disposal/defusing techniques.

6. After completing their fun vacation in Europe, tourists will return by the same methods. If the worst happens, and any tourists are involved in firefights, tourists will have access to military hospitals, medics, helicopters, etc. for the wounded. Those killed will be buried with full military honors.

"Skip, you are despicable."

"Huh, who is that?"

Tis is your Newsvine monitor. Because of your past posts, we monitor every post as you type it. Your typing, by the way, is truly terrible. And your proofreading is worse. Even for a blind man, you are a disgrace."

"What is your problem now?"

"This article is ridiculous. You made it up. The United States Government is not doing any of the things you describe."

"Are you saying that the U.S. Government has not told tourists to be 'vigilant', and to be careful of their own safety? Are you saying the U.S. Government is not giving tourists what they need? It seems to me that is like not giving proper body armor to troops in Iraq."

"Skip, you are even further off the beam than usual. What you suggest is insanity. You know our government would never be that insane."

"Are you saying that the U.S,. Government did NOT tell tourists to be 'vigilant' and look out for their own safety?"

"You know they didn't mean that nutty stuff you made up."

"How do you know what they meant. Didn't Obama say that he would 'protect' Americans?"

"Look, Skip, we are part of MSNBC. We are part of the Obama TEAM. We know all about everything he is doing, even when we lie to protect him."

"Oh? Then what does it MEAN when tourists are told to be "vigilant", and that Americans will be protected?"

"It doesn't mean what you said, Skip. It is just something you SAY, as a CYA thing. But you know that, Skip. You are just trying to be mean and provocative. The Bush Administration did the same thing."

"Yep. And I RIDICULED the Bush Administration for it. Duct tape. "Color" threat levels. It is all absurd. What are Americans really supposed to do to 'protect' themselves in Europe? Are they supposed to avoid ALL of Europe? Backpack to avoid all public transportation? Beg rooms at night from locals, so as to avoid luxury hotels, or use 'hostels' catering to backpackers?"

You know damn well it is CYA stuff. But Americans can do things like take cabs, or rent cars."

"I thought Fox News was kidding when they said our government was suggesting that people rent cars and take cabs, instead of trains, subways and airlines. My older daughter recently travelled to Spain, and then by train into France. You mean that our government really thinks it is SAFER for a tourist who has never driven in Europe to rent a car? Is our government NUTS?"

"Skip, there you go again. No one expects people to DO this stuff. It is just something you SAY."

"It is true that I said I was sorry for anyone who actually went out and bought duct tape because our government said to do it. I am just as sorry for any tourist who pays any attention to these overblown warnings about all of Europe. My friend Sylvia was within two blocks of that train bombing in Spain. My daughters and I were in Britain and France when that "plot" was discovered about using 'gel' to get past security and blow up airplanes. Neither Sylvia nor my family was phased. In fact, I STILL think the OVERREACTION to liquids going on planes has been absurd. It was all a major pain on that European trip of ours. We almost could not get out of France to get home. You just can't live your life in FEAR, and yet that is what our government, and our media, seems to think we should do. Former U.N. Ambassador Bolton understates it when he says that this kind of broad 'warning' 'devalues' terrorist threat warnings. This kid of absurdity merely makes the government a laughing stock. If there is a country we should really stay out of--like Iran--fine. These INSANE 'warnings' merely raise anxiety for no reason. Sure, we should try to make sure security is heightened if we have knowledge of possible attacks, but this idea to 'warn' tourists to be 'vigilant' in Europe is beyond NUTS. It is PSYCHOTIC."

"See, there you go again, Skip, overreacting. Our Messiah--oops!, we mean President--is just trying to look out for everybody."

"I thought Obama believes that we can "absorb" several more terrorist attacks."

"Skip, you have been reading Bob Woodward's book again. We at MSNBC know a lot more about what Obama is doing and thinking than Bob Woodward ever knew."

"Is it true that Keith Olbermann sends a memo to President Obama every day instructing him on what to do, and actually foams at the mouth when Obama doesn't do what he says as well as Olbermann thinks he should have?"

"Skip. Now you are just being mean. This is your last warning You are on borrowed time here on Newsvine. sWe have warned you before, and we get more complaints abut you than anyone else on Newsvine. Be warned. Tourists in Europe are not in nearly as much danger as you are."

"What can I say? I think I am going to Europe. It is safer there. Some people there actually believe in free speech, and the governments seem to be getting SMALLER. A few terrorist attacks are a small price to pay. When even Vladimir Putin, of Russia, has lectured us on too mcch spending and too much government, al-Qaida may not be nearly as much an enemy as American leftists. I know leftists feel that way: that the real enemy of the United States is not al-Qaida, but the tea party people and other conservatives."

Newsvine Note: This author has a habit of inventing conversations with Newsvine personnel that never happened. The above is another example. The author, except in his own mind, is not that important. We presume it is an attempt to be funny, although the humor escapes us.