Another exclusive archaeological translation from the Ice Age Times. As readers of this blog know, this blog has exclulsive access to sources from an archaeological dig which has discovered material from what was apparently the world's first newspaper, published duing the last Ice Age. Words in the translation have been "modernized" to the best English translation, using modern geographical terms. Here is the latest excerpt:
Ice Age Times. Dateline (untranslatable because of unknown dating system, but toward the end of the last Ice Age).
Al Gorice and John McIcelame held a joint news conference yesterday to announce their alarm over the latest climate news, and their agreement (despite being of opposite political parties) that "something must be done." They have joined with Joe Iceberperson (edtior's note: I THINK the translation should be "Iceberman", but someone on the archaeological team is a radical feminist) to propose limitation to limit FIRE, and the resultant emission of carbon into the atmosphere.
Reports from scientists examining the ice bridge between Britain and France indicate that there is soon going to be a navigable Channel (editor's note: now the English Channel) between Britain and France, which will DIVIDE the Ice Age civilization in Europe. Reports from American indicate that the glaciers are definitely retreating.
Gorice and McIcelame stated: "No one can dispute it any longer, and contrary views should no longer even be published. Opponents are now exposed as frauds merely trying to confuse and deceive the public. This should not be allowed. We MUST stop this excessive use of fire, or lose our Ice Age way of life. Climate change is a reality, and those who deny it are not worthy of any attention.
Gorice continued to deny that his luxurious cave mansion burned excessive carbon. He said that the proposed bipartisan legislation allowed the trading of carbon offsets, which he was already doing.
Gorice and McIcelame said that no reasonable person should be in favor of this continued POLLUTION caused by the promiscuous burning of carbon. When asked what people should do to keep warm, Gorice and McIcelame recommended the use of more animal skiins--saber toothed tigers were mentioned as a likely source, considering the collateral aid to public safety (editor's note: this may cast some doubt on the authenticity of this find, as saber toothed tigers are not thought to have co-existed with early man).
Gorice and McIcelame noted that all of this melting ice was likely to FLOOD the Ice Age civilization, as sea levels rise. Gorice says: "How can we keep our traidtions and moral compass, when we allow the very planet we live on to destroy our way of live with climate change. We MUST stop this disaster. This is not just a scientific issue. It is a MORAL AND SPIRITUAL issue."
Gorice and McIcelame were cheered wildly. You can join our long standing global warming chat cave to see what YOU can do to advance this worthy crusade to save our way of life.
As a side note: Cave talk host Doug Stehanice has called those who oppose Gorice and McIcelame "DIMWITS". We felt that we should give this worthy sentiment wider distribution, since Stephanice only has 3 listeners.
Edtior's note: This ends the latest translation from the Ice Age Times. As usual, you will note that Gorice was proven RIGHT on ever count. There is now an open English channel between England and France (and open water numberous other places where there used to be ice bridges between land masses). Glaciers retreated from Florida, and most of North America, into the arctic. The true Ice Age way of life disappeared, and "civilization advanced, with all of its pollution. Were Gorice and McIcelame right that man could have STOPPED these terrible things. You can doubt it, but it is clear SOMETHING had to be done. These forgotten heroes deserve to be brought to public notice. They saw a REAL danger, and they did their best to stop it. Now there are some unconfirmed rumors of a find from the Ice Age Times that is being suppressed--an excerpt about the number of Ice Age people who FROZE to death because of Gorice and McIcelame. Your editor trusts that these rumors are false. Even if true, they should not detract from the herioic efforrs of these early heroes to stop the despoiling of our earth by polluting man.